I have a habit of sending uplifting memes, quotations, and little pieces of wisdom to the people I care about. Sometimes they are things that encouraged me, challenged me, or simply reminded me of something worth remembering. I send them to my children, my niece and nephew, my mother, brother, wife, sister-in-law, and occasionally others. I suppose part of the reason is simple: I care about them. I hope something I share might encourage them at the right moment. And perhaps, when I am gone, a few of those words will remain as small reminders that I loved them and tried to be a positive force in their lives.

The trouble is that even good intentions can backfire. Something meant as encouragement can be heard as criticism. An attempt to help can feel like judgment. A conversation that begins with love can wander into defensiveness, misunderstanding, frustration, and hurt. When that happens, it is tempting either to defend ourselves completely or to accept blame for things we did not actually do. Neither seems healthy. I have to own my mistakes, including mistakes I made in the conversation I am about to examine. But owning my mistakes does not require abandoning the truth. I cannot honestly confess to something I did not say, do, or think, especially when distorted thinking may itself be contributing to the pain involved.

So I am sharing the conversation that followed with one of my children after I sent them a meme, partly as an act of accountability. I am not proud of every way I responded. There were moments when I could have listened more carefully, slowed down before answering, chosen better words, or simply handled the situation with greater wisdom and compassion.

That is precisely why I think conversations like this are worth revisiting. We can perform a kind of conversational autopsy, not to assign blame or decide who “won,” but to understand what happened. Where did communication begin to break down? What assumptions were being made? What was each person hearing that the other may not have intended? Where did emotion begin to outrun understanding? And, most importantly for me, what could I have done differently?

I am putting some of my own failures on display because growth requires more than recognizing mistakes in other people. It requires the willingness to examine our own words and reactions, especially the moments when we were not at our best. My hope is that, by looking honestly at what went wrong here, you may be able to learn something from my mistakes as well.

The Meme

Apollo

I don’t.
American Christians talk a lot about personal responsibility but then don’t want to put in the work to heal.
Simply not remembering your trauma does not heal you and if god rewards effort then asking to not remember instead asking for help processing and truly healing from your trauma then you will get precisely nothing. And I know that from all the years I repressed my traumas and my queerness.

When you send stuff like that it seems like you are fully overlooking the years I went repressed and how it negatively affected me. I am happy for the first time in my life because I finally let myself feel the hurt, process it out, and be myself without changing for other people’s standards how what my personality should be.

I guess I wouldn’t say I don’t like it at all, I just feel it fails to express how we have to do the work ourselves
I do not read it that way. 

Me

Aside from a generalization of American Christians – I have found that reliving trauma is not how you heal or process.  I agree with you that we need to process our trauma and I don’t think this quote is excluding processing the trauma
Reframing not reliving

Apollo

The way it excludes it is the verbiage it uses. It asks god to heal their trauma for them, not to help them through the healing process.

Me

Yeah but how is God going to do that?  People have to process, I don’t read it, and it doesn’t say God waves a magic wand and bam you are healed

Apollo

It’s subtext.
Words mean things. If I ask you to put a bandage on me, that is a different request than me asking for your assistance in helping me to put it on myself.
They may have meant it that they want god to help, not to do the work for them, but if that’s the case then they should make that clear. Impact over intentions

Me

I work with Christian councilors and they would not say don’t process or God has a magic wand, it seems to me a perception and not representative most.  I know I had to process!

Apollo

You yourself may not believe that God says it so and then whatever it is magically happens or appears- but not everybody believes that, including your brother. He does not even believe in evolution.
It is not obvious in that quote means that you have to put in the work, and I’ve met plenty of people who think that God will heal them and they have to do nothing more than go to church.

Me

Right there is a wide variety of “American Christians” so wide that it is hard to generalize them to any one position

Apollo

Wide variety or not, there is an issue with emotional immaturity among Americans, especially American Christians. Lots of people have these issues with their families and had to overcome it themselves, I’m not the only one who’s experienced it.
I’m not going to sit here and try to convince you to believe me you can just go ahead and not believe me.

Me

I never said people like that don’t exist, why are you trying to make that out that I am saying they don’t exist?  I simply said not all of them are that way.  And that is a fact. Your experience, which I can say I have experienced those types of Christians as well, is not of all, that is a generalization and a red flag for bias. But you know that.

Apollo

First of all, I never said or acted like you said those people don’t exist.
I said there is a problem with emotional immaturity among American Christians, meaning there is a cultural problem that extends to all parts of American Christianity, even if there are specific individual individuals who are not emotionally immature.

And it seems to me that you knew I was saying that, but you don’t agree that there is a problem with the culture of American Christianity.
So that’s where we can agree to disagree, is whether or not there is a problem in the culture of American Christianity; because like you said, we are both aware that obviously not all American Christians are the exact same.

Me

I don’t disagree – there is a group of Christians that are emotionally immature.  And my brother is one of them.

Apollo

You don’t disagree that there is a problem with the entire culture of American Christianity? Not just your brother I’m talking about the way that all of American Christianity turns a blind eye to the stuff that people like him do and the beliefs they perpetuate.
This includes our entire family by the way, your mom, Jake, Monica, Jill.
I’m talking about the way that they think it’s OK for Ted to bully me and Artimis in the ‘family’ groupchat but for me to respond in anger is the problem. This includes you too, because you tried to tell me that I owe your mom an apology.
I don’t think you fully understand what I’m saying when I say that there is a problem with the entire culture of American Christianity.
You, me, Artimis, even mom, are implicated in that statement.
And the fact that our whole entire family seems to think that I’m the one that lost my way-  instead of our family was lost and I finally found my way in spite of that, show exactly the attitude I’m talking about.
The way that I get told to just ignore people being transphobic, instead telling transphobic people to be loving and accepting is another perfect example.

Me

First there are lots of things I don’t get.  1.) What do you mean by culture? There are many subcultures in America and some are more dominant. 2.) The term “American Christian” I find problematic.  In that it would include everyone who claims to be a Christian that is in America.  But that group is so diverse one can hardly define it other than they claim to be Christian and are in America. Heck some people in that group have very different beliefs than others in that group.  3.) Culture is dynamic and fluid like a river. I prefer some that is more precise as it make things more clear and avoids the risks bias and overgeneralizations.
I am not ignoring the problem.  I agree we have serious problems in this country on how we treat people.

Apollo

OK, well I certainly disagree with that because I do think you’re ignoring the problem by allowing our family to treat me the way that they do.

Me

Macro and micro level of society

Apollo

I’m sorry, but I’m not going to talk about this with you because it literally triggers me.

If you want to learn more you’re going to have to look into it yourself. There are plenty of resources online and plenty of people talking about the same thing- I don’t need to be the one to explain it to you, especially not when your responses affect me in a way that they would not affect a person that is not emotionally tied to you.

Me

I don’t allow or not allow anything- I am responsible for my behavior and that’s it.  Also you are making an assumption of what I do or don’t do with the family concerning you

Apollo

I’m not making assumptions, I’m talking about what was said in the group chat that day. And this is exactly why I can’t be the one to talk to you about this.

Me

Is all that I say in that chat?

Apollo

I don’t know how else to politely tell you that we cannot continue this conversation.

Me

That worked

Apollo

It probably should’ve worked the first time when I said “I’m sorry I can’t be the one to talk to you about this”

Me

I did not understand what you meant by that.  I thought you are saying I could not handle you telling me that.  Which I can.  If you can’t handle the conversation, just say so.

Apollo

I did say that, right after I said “I’m sorry but I’m not going to talk about this with you” in the same exact sentence I went on to say “because it literally triggers me.” and you continued on anyway.

And now you’re saying “if you can’t handle the conversation? Just say so.” Which feels demeaning, because either you didn’t read my text, you deliberately ignored it, or else just didn’t understand it at all.

Me

I thought the conversation was over, yet you came back. Everything is always only on your terms. That make communication and a relationship impossible. Doesn’t your counselor give you tools to help you deal with triggers?  Since we’re not going to talk or text again, I will leave you with this, if someone challenges your statement or belief and it triggers you, it is a sign there is something wrong with it and deep down you know it.  Or you feel it is an attack on you because your identity is tied to the belief or statement. I am not your enemy and I am not the villain- even of your narrative needs me to be.

Apollo

OK, and here you are reacting emotionally when I’m trying to be kind to you.

Me

I am not emotional
I think you are
And you have said so

Apollo

You asked me a question about culture and I told you we couldn’t talk about culture, then you also said that you’re not ignoring any problems so I responded to that statement only to clarify that we did in fact disagree, because you were thinking we didn’t.

That’s not me continuing the conversation that’s me concluding it.
But because you feel like you always have to have the last word you didn’t take it as a conclusion to the conversation.

You also say that you have no problem with my worldview and that I’m looking too far into it when I assert that you do, but in this last text message, you literally just said with your own words that you do.

I never called you the villain so I don’t even know why you’re asserting that I did.

I also don’t know what you’re talking about since we’re not going to talk or text again if that’s supposed to be some kind of threat or what- but that’s absolutely the opposite of calm so you could say you’re not emotional, but that’s clearly not true.

Me

Not a threat it is your typical reaction
You get in a fight with me and then you go silent for months

Apollo

I can still want to end the conversation and defend myself. I don’t have to just take whatever you say and let it be.
I’m not trying to start a fight with you. I literally told you that we can’t have this conversation and you got mad at me and are now trying to fight with me no matter how many times I continue to be kind to you.
I don’t understand why you can tell me that we could just agree to disagree at any time, but I’m not allowed to ever say that

Me

I am not mad at you
Never said it or thought it

Apollo

Y’all literally begged me to stop trying to get you to see things my way and so now I’m doing that and suddenly it’s a problem
And also, I don’t not talk to you for months. We literally text all the time this morning. I sent you something about Max’s old house because I know how much you and Christine like it.

Me

No it is not

Apollo

But still here you are trying to start a fight and accuse me of something that you know I don’t do

Me

You can let me know your point of view
It’s yours not mine
Well maybe you should go back and reread

Apollo

Maybe you should stop trying to fight with me when I’m not trying to fight with you

Me

I wasn’t trying to fight you.  Challenging a statement is not a fight.  Or asking for clarification, which i did, and you say it was starting a fight.  This is what I mean when I say we can’t talk.

Apollo

You’re being very unkind to me, so yes, I do consider that a fight whether or not you do.
I guess we can agree to disagree about that as well

Me

Well I am sorry you feel that way it is not my intention
I feel the same way by the way
Like you are unkind to me
So there now what

Apollo

Your words were literally condescending to me and I’m not going to pretend like they weren’t like it’s just some feeling I have.
So we don’t need to talk about this. Just like you tell me I need to deal with my own problems in  therapy. You can deal with your own problems in therapy.
For the record, I talk to you as often as I have something we are both interested in, but it’s not like I’m gonna call you to tell you what I bought at TJ Maxx or the mundane chores I did today  because obviously you don’t care about that. And obviously I’m not gonna call you to talk about my worldview and politics because it’s not a conversation that we can ever have- you really said  that I get upset talking to you because I know my worldview is wrong so why on earth would I ever talk to you about that?
I see you on every holiday. I text you as often as I get a chance, I share things on social media with you, I stopped bringing up the obviously problematic things in our family because it made everybody else mad, but yet somehow, all of those efforts and changes have mounted to not talking to you for months in your head.

So I don’t have to sit here and pretend like it’s not absolutely mean of you to say that I don’t talk to you for months when I am constantly putting in effort and took you out to breakfast on Father’s Day. That was beyond mean and unacceptable and out of nowhere- and at a time when I’m literally sitting here being as kind to you as possible, mind you.

Me

I think there is one thing we can agree on and that is we can’t communicate well.
I would like to point out, because you have used the word a number of times, worldview is a collection of beliefs about the world.  Two people can have worldviews where some of those beliefs overlap and others don’t.  I would not and do not view them as right or wrong because they are complex and multi-faceted.

Apollo

This is you continuing the conversation that I thought we agreed to finish

Me

I thought we did too, but you kept going, so I did as well.  

Apollo

No, I did not continue the conversation. I told you that you were unfair to say that I don’t speak to you and then I explained how it was unfair. That is not continuing the conversation about culture in worldviews.

Me

I also am concerned that clarification on a term like worldview would be problematic or triggering

Apollo

I’m not talking to you about this and I’m not accepting you lying literally lying about whether or not I talk to you. Can we end the conversation now?

Me

In that explanation you misrepresented my view of worldviews and that misunderstanding seems it part triggering for you

Apollo

I will talk to you later

Me

Sounds good 👍

Analysis

The Correction–Defense Cycle

It looks something like this:

Apollo makes a broad or accusatory statement → you detect an error → you correct it → Apollo experiences correction as invalidation → Apollo makes a stronger personal accusation → you feel misrepresented → you clarify more precisely → Apollo feels even less heard → Apollo withdraws or asks to stop → you feel unfairly characterized and try one final clarification → Apollo experiences the boundary as ignored → both of you now have evidence supporting your existing view of the other.

Apollo concludes:

“Dad always has to argue with me.”

You conclude:

“Apollo can’t tolerate being challenged.”

And the cycle strengthens itself.

That is a classic self-maintaining interpersonal loop. CBT pays particular attention to these cycles because behavior intended to solve a problem can inadvertently maintain it.

Excerpt

Good intentions do not guarantee good communication. In this painfully honest look at a conversation with one of my children, I examine how correction, defensiveness, hurt, and misunderstanding can create a self-reinforcing cycle—and what I might learn by examining my own part in it.

The light inside you is dim.