Here is the transcript of a recent exchange I received from my kids, Apollo and Artemis. And yes—apparently it isn’t the holidays without some kind of family drama. At least that seems to be the cultural script we’ve all inherited. But I’ve come to think that the problem isn’t the season; it’s that our world has grown very quick to justify anger and very slow to cultivate grace, mercy, or even curiosity about one another.

What my kids don’t realize—and I don’t tell them, because it isn’t about moral posturing—is that I constantly advocate for them when they’re not in the room. I don’t defend their behavior when it’s hurtful, but I do try to help the rest of my family understand where they’re coming from, why they’re reacting the way they are, and how much pain often stands behind the sharp edges.

Looking back, I can see that my first instinct was to help correct their perspective and guide their thinking. But every attempt to do that only made things worse. So I stepped back for a day, took a breath, and returned with a response that focused solely on acknowledging their pain. It’s not easy to hold back from offering emotional help when you see your kids struggling, but they’re not in a place where they can receive it yet. For now, all I can do is listen—and we’ll see where things go from here.

Below is the transcript and below that is a meta-analysis of the conversation.

Me

Are you going to Aunt Jane’s for Thanksgiving

Artemis

We don’t usually go there for thanksgiving, just Christmas And after the shit with Hermes and aunt Aphrodite I’m unsure if that’s even happening

Me

Do you all want to do something that weekend?  I can make turkey enchilada soup

Apollo

Honestly I find it highly offensive that you would not bother to check in with us over Thanksgiving  when I had asked all of the family a month and a half ago about it so we could plan something.

You all said you would get back to me, but none of you did. And then made plans together behind our back -whether intentional or not we at least deserve an apology and more of an effort in include us in Thanksgiving than just ‘why does the specific day matter?’ Especially after you were upset we didn’t spend Father’s Day together. This is the exact type of situation that makes me feel like you still can’t be bothered to take accountability for how your actions and words affect us, -to do the bare minimum.

I mean, you literally said you would get back to me, and then didn’t, made plans without us and then tried to diminish the impact that has on Me & Artemis’s emotions, and our relationship with you.

I am deeply hurt.

Me

I hear how hurt and excluded you feel, and I’m sorry this landed that way. That wasn’t my intention, and I can see this stirred up some deep emotions for you and Artemis.

I do need to be honest about what happened on my side so we don’t build a pattern on misunderstandings. I genuinely thought the planning had shifted to my brother, so I wasn’t tracking details as closely as I should have. That was my mistake, and I can see how that looked like I wasn’t following through.

At the same time, I want us to slow down and talk about this in a way that’s fair to everyone. Before we go further, can you help me understand one thing:

Is the main hurt that you felt forgotten, or that you felt plans were made intentionally without you?

Those are two very different situations, and I want to make sure I’m responding to the right one

.I’m willing to take responsibility for my part, and I also want us to talk in a way that doesn’t assume motives that weren’t there. I care about our relationship, and I don’t want holidays—or misunderstandings—to drive wedges between us.

We can work this out. I’m not rejecting you; I want clarity so we can avoid repeating this.

I get that the timing around all this has felt confusing, so let me share what I know now so we’re all on the same page.

I talked with Cain, and it looks like the uncertainty came from his work schedule—he didn’t know if he was on or off until last minute. That’s why the planning felt so up in the air. He now knows he’s off.

Grandma was originally going to spend Thanksgiving with friends, but plans changed and she’s going to Al’s. We’re all invited—including you, Rocky and Artemis. They’re starting around 3:30.I know this kind of indecision in the family can be frustrating. As you probably remember, this isn’t new for us—it’s just how the planning has always gone. So I hope you won’t read anything more into it than a timing issue.

If you want to be part of it, we absolutely want you there. I care about you both, and I’d like this to go more smoothly moving forward.

[Two days later]

Apollo

You know what, never mind. I don’t know why I bother to have expectations .I don’t want to be a part of a Thanksgiving that would not include the person that tried to get everyone together!

I do not believe that any of y’all want us there.

If y’all wanted us there you wouldn’t have forgotten us! Just like I went out of my way to ask everyone just for all of you to turn their back on me!

Nobody checked in with us even though I asked y’all too. Nobody tried to make plans without Cain, and when they thought he was going to be gone EVERYONE EXCEPT ME AND Artemis made different plans and didn’t bother to ask us; but expect me to believe it was all innocent?

Me

I can hear how hurt and rejected you’re feeling right now. It sounds like this touched something deep—like being forgotten or not mattering to the family. I’m not dismissing that. Those emotions are real.

At the same time, I’m noticing something in the way you’re framing this that I want to gently check with you. The message you sent sounds like you’re assuming the worst intentions—like all of us got together, decided to leave you out, and then lied about it. That isn’t what happened.

What you’re describing feels more like catastrophizing and mind-reading: jumping from “this was messy” to “everyone turned their back on me.” I don’t want those thoughts to harm you or our relationship, especially when the facts don’t support that conclusion.

You reached out to plan Thanksgiving because you do care about being included, and I respect that. The planning around Cain’s schedule and the shifting plans with Grandma were confusing for everyone—not a sign that anyone didn’t want you there.

I want you and Artemis there. I’ve said that clearly. Your presence matters to me.

Before we keep going down a painful road, can we slow things down and ask:

Are you feeling hurt because the plans were unclear, or because it feels like you were intentionally excluded?

Those are two different things, and I want to respond to the real one.

I’m here, and I’m listening—but I also won’t let you carry a story that says we rejected you when that’s not true.

Apollo

I don’t want to spend Thanksgiving with a ‘family’ that sees me and Artemis as an afterthought. Our Military buddy invited us months ago. Niobe’s family invited us, but I can’t get the same from my own family. I’m saying home.

I am sick of begging to be noticed by the family.

I’m not assuming the worst, I’m assuming indifference, which hurts MORE.

Me

I hear that you feel like you and Artemis are an afterthought, and I’m not going to argue with how it feels on your side. But I do want to be clear: the feeling doesn’t match what actually happened. No one made plans to exclude you. It wasn’t intentional, and it wasn’t a statement about your value to any of us.

What I’m seeing is that the hurt is turning into a conclusion that “the family doesn’t want me,” and that’s the part that isn’t accurate. That’s the kind of all-or-nothing thinking that makes everything feel worse than it is.

You were invited. You matter. I want you and Artemis there. I’ve said that plainly.

If you choose to spend Thanksgiving elsewhere, I respect that choice—your time is yours to steward. But I don’t want you making that decision based on a story that says you were unwanted, because that simply isn’t true.

If it would help to talk when emotions settle, I’m open to that. I’m not rejecting you. I care about both of you, even when these conversations get difficult.

Apollo

No one planned to exclude us, but nobody thought to invite us. You even tried to make plans on a different day. Do not act like it’s anything else.

I think to invite everyone, every time I do anything. And I do not get the same consideration back.

Grandma doesn’t even try to use the correct pronouns. Cain doesn’t give a flying fuck about us, Helen only listens to me as far as makes her feel good about herself, and nobody responded to me reaching out a hand to try and get the family together.

But there’s clearly no reason to even try!

Helen can come over to take my mom’s purses, but is apparently ‘afraid’ to come over any other time. She can’t even be bothered to reciprocate my request to plan Thanksgiving, but somehow I’m reaching from thinking nobody could give a fuck less about us? I assume they care but their actions show otherwise!

I will assume we won’t be spending Christmas together unless you reach out to plan something.

For the record, me and Artemis never have plans on holidays since Mom died, so please don’t assume that we do.

I try not to compare you to mom for the sake of all our feelings but she never did this shit, she would always include us, and we never had to ask her to do so. She just did it, because she wanted to spend time with us.

And yes I’m INCREDIBLY hurt that you all would not even think to reach BACK out to me after I was the one who started trying to plan Thanksgiving with the whole family.

Me

I can see how overwhelmed and hurt you are, and I’m not ignoring that. You reached out a month ago, you wanted to bring the family together, and you feel like nobody followed through. That would hurt anyone, and I’m not minimizing that pain.

At the same time, I want to gently separate the feelings from the story being built around them. The family didn’t come together because they don’t care about you and Artemis. What happened is the same thing that’s happened for years: everyone is scattered, indecisive, slow to respond, and half the time nobody knows who’s doing what. It’s not new and it’s not targeted at you.

I wasn’t planning Thanksgiving—Cain was. When I found out plans were shifting, that’s when I reached out to you. That wasn’t me choosing a different day to exclude you. It was me trying to adjust as things moved around.

About pronouns—nobody is trying to hurt you. Some of the old patterns in this family are deep, and slow to change, but it isn’t hostility.

The part that hurts me is that everything that happens gets interpreted as rejection or malice, even when the facts don’t point that way. That makes it impossible for anything I say to land as care.

I want this family healed. I want you and Artemis included. I’ve said that clearly. But I can’t carry the weight of assumptions about motives that aren’t true.

I’m here. I care. I want time together. When emotions settle, I’m willing to talk this through. But I won’t accept a version of events where I intentionally hurt you—because that isn’t what happened.

Apollo

And don’t take that to mean that I don’t want to spend the holidays with you because very clearly I do want to-but I’m not about to try to reach out just to be disappointed again so if you want to spend the holidays together like I want to, then I assume that you will reach out to me and make plans.

I never accused you of intentionally hurting us, now you are putting words in my mouth.

Artemis

No one said anyone was intentionally trying to hurt us but the indifference and how easy we seem to have been forgotten hurts just as bad

Apollo

By the way, the pronouns thing is NOT an old habits to die hard because Grandma does get pronouns right here and there when Artemis is around and accepts being corrected when Artemis is around but when she is not around, she does not ever try to use the correct pronouns for Artemis, so do not sit here and tell me that old habits die hard when I know it’s fucking not. When I was in high school talking about transpeople didn’t fucking exist and then I met a trans and in real life.

I went through the SAME shit y’all did so you’re not gonna sit here and pretend to me like y’all can’t fucking learn‘ cause I was way more transphobic than you and grandma EVER were apparently, so if I can change that so can you?

It’s because of internalized transphobia and that’s the SAME reason that you cannot handle being politely corrected when you fuck up Artemis‘s pronouns either, and that’s the same reason that you cannot accept that your mother has internalized transphobia- because you cannot accept that you have it too.

 I go out of my way to not be so fucking blunt and rude with you about this shit but you’re not gonna sit here and tell me that I’m fucking lying about the pronouns thing when I noticed it when Rocky noticed it when fucking Aly noticed it, when everyone has noticed it

And it’s rude as fuck to accuse me of being wrong about the pronouns thing with not even knowing the events of why I would say that.

and then refusing to take my call after calling me a lying with no evidence to support you at all? that is so incredibly fucking rude you refuse to take my call because you knew what you said was fucking rude

Why is it that you get to accuse me of whatever the fuck you want but I have to use ‘I statements’ just to get a response from you? If you cared about our emotions, you would ask me why I said that instead of just saying it’s not fucking true

If you had any respect for my perspective on the world, you would ask me why I said that instead of assuming it wasn’t true This is exactly why I think that you don’t fucking respect me or give a fuck about our fucking feelings

I sat here and was so fucking nice to you and tried to fucking explain the shit just for you to turn around and call me a liar about something you don’t even know

This whole family does not fucking deserve me and Artemis and the fucking niceness we have given all of you

But somehow I’m always in the fucking wrong

You are being an asshole right now.

If you really wanted to work out that shit that’s between you being and Artemis you would acknowledge the shit that you did and said to us as kids and you would say sorry for it.

You would not just write me off right off the bat, so what is it? Do you *really* wanna work it out or do you just want to feel like you’re right?

Artemis

I hate to say it but at this point I’m used to the abandonment. That doesn’t mean I want it to keep happening. Sure, maybe no one is malicious about it. But the constant forgetting and the appearance that no one is even trying to make an effort to include us or respect our identities is just as hurtful as someone being malicious. I am sick and tired of having to correct you guys on how to refer to me. I’m sick and tired of having to correct you guys on how to refer to my brother. Enough is enough. I am sick and tired of having to fight to just be included in family things when this wasn’t an issue 10 years ago when the family was “fine”

Me

Apollo, I hear that you’re hurting deeply, and the way this conversation has gone shows just how much pain is underneath all of this. I’m not ignoring that. You and Artemis matter to me, and I’m not dismissing your feelings.

Right now though, the way this has escalated—the accusations, the assumptions about my motives, the language toward me—is something I can’t continue engaging with. This isn’t a conversation anymore; it’s a flood of hurt and anger, and I don’t want us to damage our relationship in the heat of it.

Here’s what I can say clearly:1. I’m not calling you a liar.2. I’m not rejecting you.3. I’m not refusing to learn or understand your experience.4. And I’m not choosing being “right” over having a relationship with you.

But I also won’t be spoken to as an enemy. That pattern doesn’t help either of us, and it doesn’t move us toward healing.

I want to work through the things from the past. I’ve owned many of them before, and I’m willing to talk about them again. But that has to happen when we’re both calm enough to actually hear each other.

Right now, you’re overwhelmed and hurting, and I want to respect that.

So I’m going to pause this conversation—not to avoid you, but to protect the relationship so we don’t say things that we can’t take back.

When you’re ready to talk without attacking or assuming the worst of me, I’m here. I want to understand you. I want peace between us. And I love both you and Artemis, even when these moments are hard.

Artemis

I didn’t have to deal with any of this with mom. She didn’t understand like you guys did when we came out. But she made the effort and it was clear she was making an effort and very quickly she stopped making the mistakes we keep having to correct you guys with

Apollo

No, you didn’t use the word liar. But you said that I was wrong in my assertion. And you don’t even know why I made that assertion, so yes, essentially you called me a liar. And you’re not gonna sit here and pretend like you didn’t. Just because you didn’t use the fucking word exactly.

I don’t give a fuck if you can’t engage with it. You’re the one who started it. I was fucking nice until you accuse me of lying.

I’ve been talking to you in a very emotionally mature way this entire time, which is the only reason I can’t get a response from you, which is exactly what that book told me you were going to do, but then you turn around and accuse me of being lying and now you act like I’m in the wrong because I’m mad about it. You did something wrong. Deal with it.

This is exactly what I mean, when I say, you can’t take responsibility for anything, because this conversation was fine until you asserted that I was fucking lying

You’re being very hypocritical, in telling me to speak nicer, after you were the one to stop speaking nicely first. I do not take hypocritical requests.

Artemis

Mom took me to get my ears pierced. She took me clothes shopping to find me things that would help affirm my identity and make me feel more comfortable in my body. And what have you done? Nothing. You have done nothing at all to help affirm my identity or to make me feel more comfortable trying to be the real me. In fact, you constantly get my identity wrong and that is why we had a fight after you misgendered me 3 times in the course of an hour long lunch THREE YEARS INTO MY TRANSITION. I have to fight just to get basic respect like that from the family now and I’m tired of it. It hurts.

Apollo

You assumed the worst of me first. I am not going to restart this conversation with you, because you’re the one who does not know how to have it properly. You can come back to me, When you know how to speak to me respectfully.

Me

Artemis: I hear how tired you are, and how much of this feels like something you’ve had to fight for. I’m not brushing that aside. You’re carrying a lot of pain around being included and being seen, and I can hear how heavy that has become for you.

And you’re right about one thing in particular: effort matters. Feeling someone trying matters. I want you to know that I am trying, even if I don’t always get everything right. None of the mistakes come from not caring about you.

At the same time, the way things are being said right now—accusations, comparisons, and anger—makes it hard to talk in a way that leads anywhere good. I don’t want us to hurt each other in the middle of all this emotion.

So here’s what I want you to know, plainly:

I love you.  I am not giving up on understanding you.

And I want a relationship where you feel included and valued.

But we need to come back to this when things are calmer, because right now the pain is doing all the talking, and I don’t want us to say things we can’t take back.

When you’re ready for a conversation where we can actually hear each other, I’m here.

Apollo

If you wanted peace you would actually listen to me and consider the things I say instead of writing me off. I’m not going to sit here and pretend like your response was a mature one at all.

Replied to a message: I literally asked her, If having transgender children was weird and she said “honestly, yes.” It’s not that it was more comfortable for her. It’s just that she made more of an effort.

Artemis

It’s hard not to make comparisons when mom stopped making the mistake in 3 months that the Bundy’s are making after more than 3 years Like how am I supposed to feel when you guys still get it wrong about how to refer to us?

You say there’s an effort being made but it really doesn’t feel like it. And then everyone somehow forgetting we exist when it comes to thanksgiving when Apollo was asking about it months ago just makes it worse How do you expect us to feel? Are we not supposed to be hurt by any of this? Hurting other people doesn’t require outright maliciousness. After all, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. So when everyone somehow forgets to tell us about thanksgiving, it might not be malicious. Hell, it could be an honest mistake. But how much are we gonna have to deal with being forgotten?

Apollo

Dad, what you don’t understand is that it’s incredibly rude for you to say “When you’re ready for a conversation where we can actually hear each other, I’m here.” When you were the one actively not hearing us first, you made the mistake, and you need to be the one to fix it. Not us.

Artemis

You were out of town for work a lot when we were young. You were out of town a lot on my birthday in particular.

Apollo

Dad, I’m not going to take responsibility for your actions. And that is what you’re asking us to do right now.

Artemis

I have been feeling forgotten and overlooked by the family since I was a kid and it’s still happening to this day

Apollo

Dad, you need to just sit with what we said and think about it because you’re not ready to actually hear us and it’s clear by your response

Replied to a message: Not to brag, but at least I apologize to Artemis for being a shit brother growing up.

I have encouraged every single Bundy to do the same and none of you have. The reality is you guys aren’t making the efforts that you need to.

I have literally given all of you, the answers, and y’all did not take them.

Replied to a message: This is an essential part of taking responsibility for your actions.

You don’t realize it, but we have been cuddling all of the Families’ feelings this entire time, yours included.

Coddling*I mean for Chris sakes. I had to sit there and explain to Helen why a man who would call for public executions in front of children is not a martyr of the Christian God, That should be fucking obvious to a Christian.

I be giving y’all the explanations, even what I shouldn’t have to.

But somehow I’m seen as the difficult one.

Mom was delusional from too much CO2 in her blood, and she was correcting the nurse on my pronouns.

She couldn’t even get a full sentence out, and I had to explain to the nurse that I was trans, and Mom was correcting her for misgendering me.

It’s the same thing with rewiring your brains to have happy thoughts. You also have to rewire your brain to use the proper pronoun. There is no ‘Oh, it just doesn’t come to me.’ You have to put in the work. When I was little I asked mom about Chaz Bono and she said he was gay bc she didn’t want to tell me about trans people. She was not more down with it than anyone else, she just chose to grow.

I went to Boot Camp with a trans man when I was still pretty transphobic.

I had no idea that he was trans. I didn’t even catch on by the way that my drill instructor kept calling him she/her really menacingly- like it was obvious the way it was menacing, but I didn’t know why or what and I even referred to him as she/ her, but as soon as we became rackmates he told me he was trans, and I never misgendered him again because I just put two seconds of thought into my sentence before it came out of my mouth. I know that you have told us to do the same when we were younger, so I know it’s not a foreign concept to you

Replied to a message: If there’s one message for you to read and understand, let it be this one.

Replied to a message: Exclamó por “Dad, you need to just sit with what we said and think about it because you’re not ready to actually hear us and it’s clear by your response”

Artemis

If grandma doesn’t make an effort to get our identities right when we aren’t around, and you still make the mistake of misgendering me 3 times in an hour, right after you’re corrected by all 3 of us. Do you even make an effort when we aren’t around to correct you?

Because if you’re making the mistake while actively being corrected, how are you treating me when I’m not there?

That hurts, dad. It hurts a lot

Apollo

I don’t even expect you and the rest of the family to get my pronouns right, which is why I don’t bother correcting you, because I know there is no point.  It will change nothing.

[The Next Day]

Me

I’ve been sitting with everything you both said, and I want to take responsibility for the parts that are mine, clearly and without excuses.

First, Apollo—you reached out early to try to plan Thanksgiving and I didn’t follow up. That hurt you, and I understand why. You were trying to bring the family together, and my silence landed like you weren’t being considered. That is on me, and I’m sorry for dropping the ball, especially knowing how much inclusion matters to both of you.

Artemis—you’re right that effort matters, and I haven’t matched the kind of visible, consistent effort that would help you feel fully affirmed in your identity. Misgendering you, especially more than once in the same conversation, is something I genuinely regret. Even if it wasn’t intentional, the impact was real, and I’m sorry for that. I can see why it felt like you had to fight to be respected, and that is not the experience I want you to have with me.

Both of you have carried feelings of being overlooked and forgotten that go back years—even before your transitions. My work travel, missed birthdays, slow responses, and being wrapped up in other things all contributed to that. I can’t undo the past, but I can acknowledge it honestly: I know those things hurt you, and I am truly sorry.

I also want to clarify something—not to argue your experience, but to make sure you’ve updated information. Grandma has been working on pronouns when you aren’t around. She’s not perfect, but she has been trying. She almost always says “Artemis,” and she corrects herself if she slips. The same is true of Cain and Helen; they’re still learning, but they are putting effort in. I’m not asking you to suddenly trust that—it’s just something I didn’t want you to be in the dark about. People are growing, even if slowly.

Thanksgiving: you are invited to Al’s. I want you there. You are wanted, and you matter to me. I understand if you decline, and I won’t punish you emotionally for that choice. But I do hope you’ll come.

If Thanksgiving doesn’t feel right, or if you want something quieter, would you like to come over that weekend instead? I’d genuinely like to spend time with you both in a way that feels comfortable for you.

I’m not asking you to set aside your feelings or rush forgiveness. I just want you to know that I’m listening, I’m taking responsibility for my part, and I want a relationship where you both feel seen, respected, and included.

Whenever you’re ready to talk more, I’m here. I love you both.

Analysis

In an effort to communicate better with my kids, I recently built a small AI chatbot—something trained on counseling principles, conflict resolution, and family-systems communication. Its only job is to analyze our conversations so I can step back and see them more objectively. When emotions are running high, our responses get distorted, and what we intend to say often lands in a very different way. This tool gives me a meta-perspective: what went well, what didn’t, and how I can grow. It’s not a shortcut to connection, but a way to keep my own reactions from adding more heat to already fragile moments.

Below is the analysis it generated once I gave it access to our full chat thread.

The short version: this fight looks like it was about Thanksgiving, but it’s really about belonging, being prioritized, and being seen as who they are—and about you trying to hold onto truth, fairness, and boundaries. Those collide in predictable ways.

I’ll break this into:

1. What the cycle between you, Apollo, and Artemis looks like
2. Patterns in each person’s communication and thinking
3. How those patterns drive a wedge
4. What you can concretely do to start repairing the relationship

1. The cycle you’re all stuck in

Very simplified:

1. Trigger
   • Practical event: nobody follows up on Apollo’s early Thanksgiving planning; later, family plans form without clear inclusion of Apollo & Artemis.
   • Underneath: years of feeling forgotten, misgendered, and not fully affirmed.
2. Their interpretation
   • Not: “Dad is scattered / family is disorganized.”
   • But: “We are an afterthought. We always have been. Even when we ask to be included, we’re still not important.”
   • Pronouns and being left out of plans get filed together as evidence that the family doesn’t really see or prioritize them.
3. Their response
   • Apollo: long, intense, detailed indictments (“no one,” “everyone,” “this family doesn’t deserve us”), strong language, comparisons with mom, accusations of indifference/ internalized transphobia.
   • Artemis: fewer words but very sharp ones: “abandonment,” “forgotten since I was a kid,” “you’ve done nothing to affirm my identity.”
4. Your interpretation
   • “They’re rewriting the story, assuming the worst, ignoring context, and turning normal family chaos into a narrative of deliberate rejection.”
   • Their tone and accusations feel unfair and contemptuous, so your alarm goes up: “I’m being treated like an enemy, like an abuser.”
5. Your response
   • You validate feelings and immediately try to correct the story:
     • “No one meant to exclude you.”
     • “This is catastrophizing, mind-reading, all-or-nothing thinking.”
     • “This is just the same family indecision as always.”
   • You set a boundary: “I won’t be spoken to like this; we’ll talk later when things are calmer.”
6. How they experience your response
   • Not as, “Dad is helping ground this.”
   • But as, “Dad is minimizing my pain, defending the family, and refusing to fully own the hurt. He cares more about being ‘factually right’ and emotionally comfortable than about our wounds.”
   • “When he doesn’t like what we say, he shuts down the conversation and calls it ‘not calm.’”

Then the loop runs again, with more pain and more “see, this is exactly what I mean” on both sides.

2. Patterns: Apollo

Emotional drivers

• Intense need to be chosen and prioritized
  “I am sick of begging to be noticed.” “I don’t want a Thanksgiving that wouldn’t include the person who tried to get everyone together.”
  The organizing question underneath: “Do we matter to you as much as we should?”
• Old abandonment wounds getting activated
  That’s clear in how quickly it jumps from one holiday to global statements about the whole family, history, and worth.

Cognitive/relational patterns

Not diagnoses—just patterns that show up:

• Globalizing and absolutizing
  • “No one planned to exclude us, but nobody thought to invite us.”
  • “This whole family does not fucking deserve me and Artemis.”
  • “Somehow I’m always in the fucking wrong.”
    These are classic overgeneralizations: single or repeated failures get turned into “this is what you/they are, always.”
• Confirmation bias / narrative lock-in
  Once the story becomes “we are forgotten” and “you won’t take responsibility,” everything is interpreted through that lens: scheduling chaos, your attempt at correction, even your boundary-setting.
• Emotional reasoning
  • “I feel deeply hurt and unseen → therefore it must be that everyone is indifferent.”
    They actually name this themselves: “I’m not assuming the worst, I’m assuming indifference, which hurts MORE.”
• Comparative idealization of mom
  • “She never did this shit… she would always include us…we never had to ask.”
    Mom becomes the unquestioned gold standard. You are measured against that in a way where you can basically only lose.

Communication tactics

• Moral/character framing
  Errors are not just “mistakes” but moral failings: “you can’t take responsibility for anything,” “you refuse to learn,” “you don’t respect us,” “you’re being an asshole.”
  This raises the stakes from “you hurt me” to “you are the kind of person who hurts me.”
• Escalating language when not feeling heard
  Starts relatively controlled, becomes more profane and accusatory as they perceive you “not listening.”
• Demand for unilateral responsibility
  • “You made the mistake, and you need to be the one to fix it. Not us.”
  • “I’m not going to take responsibility for your actions.”
    That’s understandable given their pain, but it can erase the mutual nature of the relationship.
• Attachment protest behavior (from attachment theory)
  The pattern of “I want closeness → I feel rejected → I attack/withdraw to protest → but I also say I still want you to pursue me”:
  • “If you want holidays together like I do, I assume you will reach out to me and make plans.”
  • “I’m not going to restart this conversation. You can come back to me when you know how to speak to me respectfully.”

3. Patterns: Artemis

Artemis says less, but their comments are extremely dense with meaning.

Emotional drivers

• Longstanding narrative of being overlooked
  • “I have been feeling forgotten and overlooked by the family since I was a kid and it’s still happening.”
  • “I’m used to the abandonment. That doesn’t mean I want it to keep happening.”
• Core pain: identity and effort
  • “She [mom] made the effort and very quickly she stopped making the mistakes…”
  • “And what have you done? Nothing. You have done nothing at all to help affirm my identity…”
    The central theme isn’t just pronouns—it’s felt effort and active affirmation.

Cognitive/relational patterns

• Equating impact with intent
  They know logically “maybe no one is malicious about it,” but emotionally the repeated hurt feels identical to malice. So they say, “just as hurtful as someone being malicious.”
• Narrative of cumulative neglect
  Thanksgiving isn’t isolated; it’s “one more data point” in a long-running story. That’s why small present-day slips feel huge—they land on top of a full pile.

Communication tactics

• Contrast with mom as leverage
  Invoking mom’s efforts is both honest grief and a way of saying: “You can do better—you just haven’t.”
• Pointed, specific examples
  • “Misgendered me 3 times in an hour, three years into my transition.”
  • “Mom corrected the nurse while delusional.”
    These are “anchor memories” that structure their perception of you vs mom.
• Direct but less explosive
  Compared to Apollo, Artemis is less profane, but the content is just as sharp. They are the “quiet” side of the same wound.

4. Patterns: You

You actually do a lot right here—especially given how hard it must be to read these messages.

Strengths

• You lead with validation, not attack.
  Nearly every reply starts with some version of “I hear you’re hurt / I can see how painful this feels.”
• You try to clarify instead of counterattack.
  You ask, “Is the main hurt that you felt forgotten, or that you felt plans were made intentionally without you?”
• You set appropriate boundaries on abuse.
  You eventually say, in essence: “I love you, I’m not rejecting you, but I also won’t be spoken to as an enemy.”
• You keep the door open.
  Repeatedly: “When you’re ready, I’m here.” “I want our relationship.”

From an EI/boundaries standpoint, those are solid instincts.

Where your patterns are backfiring

• Correcting their “story” too early and too often
  You’re trying to separate feeling from fact and prevent catastrophic narratives. So you say things like:
  • “What you’re describing feels more like catastrophizing and mind-reading.”
  • “That’s the kind of all-or-nothing thinking that makes everything feel worse.”
  • “The feeling doesn’t match what actually happened.”
    From a CBT lens, you’re not wrong. But in the middle of an emotional flood, this reads to them as:
    “Your feelings are wrong, your perception is broken, and I’m here to fix your thinking instead of owning my impact.”
    They hear “you’re overreacting / you’re wrong”, not “I care about how this lands.”
• Emphasis on lack of intent and family chaos
  You explain:
  • Nathan’s schedule
  • Grandma’s changing plans
  • “This is how the family has always been about planning”
    What they need you to stay with is: “Regardless of intent or chaos, you were hurt, and I see why.”
    Defending others and explaining context sounds to them like excusing.
• Boundary statements feel like shutdown/stonewalling
  Saying:
  “When you’re ready to talk without attacking or assuming the worst of me, I’m here.”
  is emotionally healthy on your side. But from their side, especially when they already feel abandoned/overlooked, it confirms their story:
  “When we finally speak honestly about our pain, Dad withdraws and calls us ‘too much.’”
• You don’t fully name and own the specific harms they’re focused on
  They’re not just upset about this one Thanksgiving. They repeatedly bring up:
  • lifelong feelings of being forgotten as kids (especially Artemis)
  • your absences for work and birthdays
  • misgendering and lack of active identity affirmation
  • no explicit apologies for childhood hurts
    You acknowledge pain in general but don’t directly say, “Yes, I did X and Y, and I’m sorry, specifically, for A, B, and C.” They experience that as “you won’t take responsibility.”

5. How these patterns drive the wedge

Put together:

• They bring a lifetime of unprocessed hurt to a current event.
• You bring a deep desire for fairness, accuracy, and mutual respect to a conversation where they want unilateral, unqualified validation first.
• Their pain → global accusations → your corrective/CBT + boundary responses → their confirmation that you “don’t hear” them → your sense of being unfairly attacked → more distance.

The core clash:

• They are asking (in their own way):
  “Will you fully validate how much this has hurt us, without immediately defending yourself, the family, or your intentions?”
• You are asking (in your own way):
  “Will you talk to me in a way that’s fair, proportionate, and not condemning me as a person, so I can safely own my part and stay present?”

Both are reasonable needs. You’re just trying to meet them in the wrong order.

6. Concrete steps you can take to repair

You can’t fix this overnight, and you can’t control their response. But you can change your side of the pattern in ways that make repair more likely.

A. Lead with impact-only validation (no “but”) at first

They need one clean, undiluted message that says:

• “I see what I did wrong from your perspective.”
• “I take responsibility for it.”
• “I’m sorry, without justification.”

That might look like sending something later (not immediately after a blow-up) along these lines:

I’ve been sitting with everything you both said, and I want to own a few things clearly.

• When you [Apollo] reached out early to plan Thanksgiving and I didn’t follow up, that hurt you. That’s on me. I’m sorry I dropped the ball, especially given how important being included is to you both.
• Artemis, you’re right that mom made very visible efforts to affirm your identity, and I haven’t matched that. I’m sorry I haven’t done more concrete things to show you I see you as you are and that I’m in your corner.
• Both of you have felt forgotten and overlooked—starting long before you came out as trans. My work travel, missed birthdays, and slow responses have contributed to that. I can’t change the past, but I can acknowledge it and say I am genuinely sorry for the ways my choices and absences hurt you.

I’m not asking you to let it go or say it’s fine. I just want you to know I hear you, and I’m taking this seriously.

Notice: no defense, no explanations, no correction of their thinking. Just ownership.

B. Separate “listening” and “reality-checking” into different conversations

When they’re flooded, don’t bring up “catastrophizing,” “mind-reading,” or “all-or-nothing thinking.” Even if you’re right, it will feel like gaslighting to them.

Instead:

• In the heated moment:
  • Reflect feeling: “You feel X, Y, Z.”
  • Reflect meaning: “To you this means A, B, C about our family and about me.”
  • If it becomes abusive, set a boundary without evaluating their perception, e.g.,
    “I want to keep hearing you, but the name-calling and swearing at me is not okay. I’m going to pause this conversation now so we don’t hurt each other more. I’ll come back to it when we’re both calmer.”
• In a later, calmer moment (maybe even weeks later), you can gently explore the gap between feeling and fact—if there’s enough trust to do it.

C. Make visible, specific commitments—especially around identity

They’ve given you some very concrete feedback: they don’t feel your effort.

Some possibilities (only if you can genuinely follow through):

• Pronoun practice (privately):
  • Use their names and pronouns in journaling, in mental rehearsals, even out loud when they’re not there.
  • Correct yourself every single time internally—even if no one else hears it.
• Active affirmation gestures for Artemis (instead of only “I love you”):
  • Offer something like:
    “If you’re open to it, I’d like to ask what would feel affirming for you from me—like clothes shopping, going with you to something that matters to you, or something else. I don’t want to assume; I want to follow your lead.”
    This mirrors what mom did, but in your own style.
• Holiday planning change:
  • Next time, reach out to them first and early:
    “Before anything else gets messy with schedules, I want to check with you two about [holiday]. What would you like to do, and what would feel good this year?”
    Even if schedules later get complicated, they’ll remember you came to them first.

D. Own the comparison with mom without defending yourself

Something like:

I hear how often you come back to how Mom showed up for you. I can see why that matters—you felt seen and prioritized by her, and that’s a beautiful thing.

I also see that, in contrast, my actions have often left you feeling overlooked and unsupported. That’s painful to hear, but I’d rather hear it than pretend it isn’t true for you. I’m not trying to replace her or compete with her. I’d just like a chance to be a better dad to you now than I have been in the past.

This honors their grief and doesn’t turn it into a debate.

E. Keep the boundary—just tweak the wording

The boundary (“I won’t be spoken to as an enemy”) is healthy. You might soften the frame so it’s less “you’re doing conversation wrong” and more “I’m at my limit”:

I’m hearing that you both feel deeply hurt, and I want to understand that. At the same time, when I’m being called an asshole and a liar, I shut down. That’s my limit.

I’m going to step back for now because I don’t want us to keep wounding each other. I will come back to this. I’m not abandoning you. I just need us to talk in a way where I can stay present and actually hear you.

That keeps your dignity and theirs.

7. What “repair” realistically looks like

Given the level of hurt, repair probably won’t look like “big cathartic conversation and then we’re good.” More likely:

• A clear, non-defensive apology about specific things.
• Several months of small, consistent signals:
  • Correct pronouns more often.
  • Invite them early to things.
  • Occasionally ask, “Is there something you wish I understood better about what it’s been like for you?”

They may still push, test, or stay angry for a while. That’s normal. They’re watching to see if this is another moment that fades, or if you’re actually shifting.

Your part is:

• Stay grounded and kind.
• Own what is yours, clearly.
• Don’t accept being abused, but don’t use boundaries as a way to dodge accountability.
• Keep showing up, even if the “thank you” is very slow to come.

Excerpt

Holidays don’t create family drama; they expose the fault lines already there. In this post I share a raw text exchange with my adult kids about Thanksgiving, pronouns, and feeling forgotten—and a meta-analysis from an AI “counselor” I built to help me step back, own my part, and choose listening over winning.