What They Say Is About Them, Not You

Words are mirrors; they reflect the speaker’s soul more than your own.

Why do we give other people’s judgments so much power over our peace of mind? A stray insult, a careless word, even a mocking comment on social media can throw us into turmoil. But pause and look deeper: what someone says usually reveals more about them than it does about you. Their speech is their mirror, not your portrait.

“What you think of me is none of my business.” — Wayne Dyer

Stoic Wisdom: Offense Is a Choice

The insult is nothing; your agreement with it is everything.

The Stoics knew this well. Epictetus advised that when someone criticizes you, instead of defending yourself, you might even reply, “If he knew all my faults, he would have mentioned more.” Marcus Aurelius, the philosopher-emperor, reminded himself that pain does not come from things themselves, but from our judgment of them.

This perspective is liberating. If offense depends on our judgment, then we can refuse to be offended. We can choose inner strength over reactive fragility.

“If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them.” — Marcus Aurelius

Christian Roots: The Freedom of Forgiveness

To refuse offense is itself an act of grace.

Christian wisdom echoes this. The psalmist declares: “Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them.” Jesus told his disciples, “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.” Brigham Young put it sharply: the greater fool is the one who chooses to be offended even when offense was intended.

The Christian response is rooted in identity. When your worth is secured in God, the opinions of others lose their sting. To let go of offense is not passivity—it is a powerful refusal to let bitterness colonize your heart.

“He who takes offense when no offense was intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense was intended is a greater fool.” — attributed to Brigham Young

Buddhist Insight: Anger Burns the Holder

Offense is poison; you suffer when you drink it.

Buddhism offers a piercing image: holding onto anger is like clutching a hot coal, intending to throw it at someone else—you only burn yourself. The Buddha’s counsel was simple: let go of what is not yours. When someone hurls words at you, they belong to them, not you. To grasp them is to invite suffering into your own life.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else—you are the one who gets burned.” — attributed to the Buddha

Psychological Wisdom: The Power of Reframing

Between stimulus and response lies your freedom.

Modern psychology reinforces what the ancients knew. Viktor Frankl, who survived Nazi concentration camps, observed that even in the most brutal conditions, people retain the freedom to choose their response. When people criticize, gossip, or troll, their words are far more diagnostic of their own state of mind than of your value. Reframing criticism this way transforms irritation into compassion—or at least indifference.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” — Viktor Frankl

Practical Path: How Not to Be Offended

You can’t control their mouth, but you can govern your mind.

How do we practice this?

Pause before reacting. Silence is power.

Reframe. Ask: What does this reveal about them, not me?

Practice compassion. Hurt people hurt people.

Anchor in higher values. Whether through faith, virtue, or mindfulness, let deeper principles, not passing words, define you.

The goal is not to become indifferent, but to become unshakable—able to engage others without being enslaved by their judgments.

“Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.” — Dalai Lama

Choosing Peace Over Prison

Offense is a prison cell; the key has always been in your pocket.

When we recognize that offense is optional, we step into freedom. The Stoics, the Christian tradition, the Buddha, and modern psychology all converge here: your peace does not depend on others’ words, but on your response.

So the next time you’re insulted, mocked, or misunderstood, pause. Smile inwardly. And remember: it’s not about you.

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” — Nelson Mandela

Reflection

• Think of the last time someone’s words hurt you. What did their words reveal about them more than about you?
• How might your life change if you consistently chose not to take offense, but to reframe criticism with compassion or detachment?
• Which tradition speaks most to you—Stoic, Christian, Buddhist, or psychological—and how might you draw on it the next time offense comes your way?

Excerpt

When people insult you, it says more about them than about you. Stoic, Christian, Buddhist, and psychological wisdom agree: offense is a choice. By refusing to be offended, you unlock inner freedom. Words are mirrors; don’t mistake their reflection for your identity. Peace is always within reach.