Recently, I had a conversation with my child that went south almost immediately. Despite my best intentions, it seemed like everything I said was taken as an offense. This experience highlighted the challenges and assumptions that often underlie our interactions. It’s as if there’s a barrier that prevents us from truly understanding each other’s words and intentions.

The following exchange is a candid reflection of this conversation. It showcases the misunderstandings and emotional responses that arose, shedding light on the complexities of parent-child communication. My hope is that by sharing this experience, we can explore ways to bridge these gaps and foster a deeper, more respectful relationship.

(Note: After each part of the exchange, I’ve included my thoughts and reflections in parentheses to provide more context.)

The conversation started with the following shared video:

(TERF is short for Trans-exclusionary radical feminist)

Description Posted with the Video

#GenderDysphoria #TransYouth #TransMentalHealth

“Stop pushing the transgender agenda onto our children! You’re ruining their lives!” Scream the TERFs. Being transgender is A GENDER not an AGENDA, and studies show that questioning gender at a young age is not as detrimental as some would lead you to believe cough JK Rowling cough 🤔📚

England’s very own Prime Minister is not shy about his transphobic views, fostering miseducation and a general unsafe environment for trans people. For young children at the beginning stages of their gender acceptance journeys… how are they meant to feel safe exploring who they are?

There are many misconceptions about the process of receiving hormonal therapy or gender-affirming surgeries, mainly that they are supplied to anyone and everyone as soon as one doubt about their birth sex comes to mind. In actuality, it is far easier to even buy arms in the US, as there are several assessments, tests and wait times involved. It’s time we review the facts.

How are you being an ally to the trans people in your life?

Study Referenced in the Video

Regret after Gender-affirming Surgery: A Systematic Review and meta-Analysis of Prevalence. NIH 2021 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33968550/

(When you look up the report it has a very interesting caveat “However, there is high subjectivity in the assessment of regret and lack of standardized questionnaires, which highlight the importance of developing validated questionnaires in this population.”)

Rodriguez (Me)

I will look that stuff up. Good to know.  Although the last comment about science, really?

Philip (My child)

What’s wrong with the comment about science? She is right, she just listed off the facts.

Rodriguez

Facts are facts, but a survey is not science, facts are science. Science is a methodological process

Philip

Bro what do you think scientists do?

Rodriguez

Experiments

Philip

Which include surveys… because if they didn’t, they wouldn’t have anything to reference to. It’s an important part of research.

What makes you think it’s not??

Rodriguez

Ok whatever

(of course in text there is no tone, the tone in my had was casual)

Philip

That’s not very kind from a guy who always expects me to be on my very best behavior. I’m literally trying to talk to you like an adult and this is how you choose to treat me?

Rodriguez

What?  I am not going to argue about it. I have taken a masters level course in the philosophy of science, I know what I am talking about, and I am not going to argue about it, so I will leave it alone.

Philip

What happened to being open minded? Experiments always include surveys of some kind, that’s how they work. There is an objective answer to this question and if we cooperate we can figure it out; but shutting down because enough don’t like my opinion doesn’t help anything at all ever.

(Notice the use of the word always here)

Rodriguez

Properly it is philosophy not science.

Open minded?

Philip

Because you don’t like*

(Not sure what is meant by this, not sure what they think I don’t like.)

Rodriguez

What about you?  Have you read up on the demarcation problem of science?

(I will post on the demarcation problem of science in the near future.)

Philip

Whatever dude, keep your ideals, I don’t have it in me to argue with you anymore. This is why people don’t like talking to you.

(Another example of emotional manipulation, also being dismissive of any facts that may not be in their favor.)

Rodriguez

Really?

Philip

Not deeply, I know the concept, and I’ll look into this specifically.

You just said you don’t want to argue so I’m not going to. I’m done being disrespected by you, and the only way to get that is to just do what you want me to, which is to keep my mouth shut and donate.

Rodriguez

I feel like I am being respectful, I am disagree without being disagreeable.

(I could have done better here, in retrospect I could have asked what specifically made them feel I was being disrespectful.)

Philip

‘Ok whatever’ is not respectful at all. And you know that.

Rodriguez

With all due respect it is not disrespectful to disagree.

Philip

This conversation is done. Now that mom is dead I have no one to cry to when you act like this. I don’t need to get anymore worked up than I am right now. I cannot keep going with this.

(This is emotional manipulation)

Rodriguez

There is no malice in “ok whatever”

Philip

Have a good day, I love you, I will talk to you later, about something nicer.

Rodriguez

No.  I will not walk on eggshells for you.  I will be respectful but i will not allow emotional manipulation.  I can disagree without being disagreeable.  Especially on what is or is not scientific.  There is no reason to treat me this way.

(Trying to be a respectful as I could to set boundaries.)

Philip

There is 100% a reason to be upset with you and it’s because you are dismissive about everything I say and talk down to me. It’s because you say ‘no politics’ to me every single time, but then spew your worldview at me. I can’t bring up proven war crimes, but you can blame poor people you don’t even know for all of their problems. It’s because you believe anything they say in these food videos but you will never admit I’m right even when I back it up with evidence.

(When it comes to politics I don’t mind talking about then. I don’t say “no politics” every single time. I said no politics at a Christmas family gathering. I also said I would talk but did not want them yelling at me about politics.)

All you do is project the things you do onto me like you are right now.

(I am interested in how I am projecting things on to them.)

I wanted to be able to be completely honest & myself with you but it has blown up in my face every time.

So lucky for the everyone, I’ve decided I’ll just walk on eggshells for you and the rest of our family.

(Turn the tables, gaslighting)

I love you, but I do not appreciate or condone the way you treat me.

Also, expecting you to treat me respectfully & getting upset when you don’t, is not emotional manipulation, by the way.

Don’t think I expect you to take my word, I know you won’t; but I think you should look into it.

I would also say it’s also because I asked you to save $20 a month to help us move when you offered to help in any way, and when you said no you ran to grandma and made it sound like I was mad at you for not giving me hella money; she told me ‘why didn’t you ask him to put $10 or $15 a month aside for you?’ And she was shocked when I told her that I did ask you that.

But there’s a good chance she misunderstood you, so I take that with a grain of salt; nonetheless I was very upset when she told me that.

(There is an issue here about money that I don’t think is worth going into at this point. However, their entitlement needs to be addressed.)

I used to call mom after we would fight, because she was the only one who could really understand my relationship with you; but now that she is gone I just cannot fight with you anymore. I do not go to Amy because y’all have a worse relationship than we do and I don’t want to make her feel any worse about you than she already does.

I am emotionally exhausted and I don’t feel like losing more family; so I will do what you always ask of me and just not talk about politics with you. But you need to understand that means we’re also not talking worldviews, because they are very tightly weaved together.

(Again this is emotional manipulation.)

Legos, laughter, and love. I don’t want anything else anymore.

Rodriguez

Thank you so much for sharing your feelings with me. I truly appreciate your honesty and courage in expressing how you feel. I want to acknowledge that I may have been unclear in my communication, and I sincerely apologize if it came across as disrespectful.

I love you deeply and always have. My intention is never to hurt you, and I understand that there may have been a miscommunication on my part. I will do my best to be clearer and more considerate in the future.

(This may backfire, taking responsibility for the miscommunication when it is on both sides.)

I don’t want us to fight; I want us to have a deep and meaningful relationship. Your feelings matter to me, and I am committed to working through this together. Let’s talk more about this so we can better understand each other and strengthen our bond.

Conclusion

From this conversation, a few key points stand out:

• Hypersensitivity: It appears that anything less than full agreement is perceived as an attack. This might be because the topic at hand is deeply tied to my child’s sense of identity, making any differing opinion feel like a personal affront.
• Emotional Manipulation: There is a definite sense of emotional manipulation, where agreeing with my child seems to be a requirement to maintain our relationship. This dynamic makes our relationship feel as though it’s being held hostage.

These insights are crucial as I strive to improve our communication and strengthen our bond. Understanding these underlying issues is the first step towards navigating our differences with empathy and respect. Moving forward, I hope to find ways to foster open, honest dialogue without the fear of jeopardizing our relationship. We’ll see how it goes, and I’ll remain hopeful for positive progress.

Reflection

I wonder if my child is experiencing cognitive dissonance, projecting their internal conflict onto me as the embodiment of the part that denies the deeply held belief. It seems as though I have become the personification of one side of an internal struggle, where they grapple with what they know to be true versus the worldview they cling to, which conflicts with that truth. This projection might explain why my attempts at communication are met with such resistance, as acknowledging my perspective could mean confronting uncomfortable truths that challenge their current beliefs. Understanding this dynamic might be key to resolving our misunderstandings and fostering a deeper, more honest relationship.

It is also part of their worldview, and the view of many today, that the world is divided into victims and oppressors. This perspective was evident in their comments about poor people, which mischaracterized a previous discussion we had. In our recent exchange, I made only one point about what constitutes science and did not attack any of the arguments presented in the video. Despite this, I was accused of imposing my worldview on them. They sent me a video to defend their perspective, yet the conversation veered away from science, which was the sole focus of my point. I wonder if there is a psychological need to cast me, as the parental figure, in the role of the oppressor to maintain their victimhood status. This dynamic complicates our interactions, and I am uncertain if there is a way to navigate this effectively. What would happen if I affirmed everything they say moving forward?

I cannot deny what I know to be true. Would my child not say that we need to be true to ourselves? If I am to be true to myself, I must stand by what I know to be true. One day, my child might have an epiphany and turn to me, wondering why I did not tell them the truth all along. Alternatively, they may never come to such a realization. Either way, our relationship is likely to be rocky.

Fyodor Dostoevsky once said, “Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect, he ceases to love.”

This profound insight reinforces my belief that I must remain honest, both with myself and with my child, even if it means facing conflict.