Here is a conversation I had with one of my children on Instagram. I had shared an abridged version of the TEDx Talk shown below in its entirety, hoping it would help them understand that I am aware of their struggle with ADHD.

It seems that, once again, any attempt to reach out from me is misunderstood and twisted into something it is not. The video clearly does not invalidate people with ADHD; it aims to raise awareness about their struggles. I feel like no matter what I say or send, it is rejected or turned into something negative.

Title of post. “Your ADHD brain is NOT disordered. You were meant for exceptional things.”

ADHD Redefined | Brooke Matson | TEDxSpokane (Full TEDx Talk)

Philip’s Comments:

I mean, they are disordered in a society where everything is ordered.

I don’t like when people paint adhd as a super power, because it’s not. I can stay up for hours researching orca behavior or spend all day creating art; but as much as I enjoy those things, they do not help me in the society we live in. I still have not updated my passport and it’s been on my to-do list for 4 years. It didn’t help me to not fail out of college. Impulsivity is bad when it comes to buying stuff. I would think you would know because it seems like you and mom are were never great about money. Forgetfulness? I didn’t set up a TSP until my final year at Planet Express because I kept forgetting, and now I have like $300 in it.

And then because of all this I am not what one would consider successful, I often struggle and society/people want to paint me & people like me as if we are lazy.

My brain, my life, is a shit show. And it’s because of my cptsd and adhd. My depression and anxiety stem from those too.

I was always made to feel lesser and stupid because I struggled with paying attention & problem solving. Because I got overstimulated easily, because I couldn’t sit still, or control my voice.

People still try to paint me as lesser because of it. I lost my job at Fishy Joe’s because of it. My ADHD is debilitating. And I am perpetually exhausted, and on medication because of it. This is absolutely not the life I would choose for myself, to be fighting my brain every step of the way, but it’s the one I got stuck with.

That whole video just invalidates the struggles of people like me & quite frankly I hate it.

My Comments:

Thanks for opening up about your ADHD struggles. I had no clue it was that serious. Just so you know, I don’t think any less of you because of it. For me, success isn’t about how much money someone makes. It’s about making a positive impact on the world. I guess I still measure it by completing tasks or achieving goals, but before I joined DOOP, that wasn’t the case. Not sure if you knew, but they wanted to put me on meds when I was in school. Man, I had a tough time finishing anything. Starting wasn’t the issue; it was finishing. Like, if I was 90% done, I’d just stop as if it was good enough.

Hey, I have similar issues with focus. I can spend an entire day researching orcas (which sounds like a lot of fun, by the way), but when it comes to work, I procrastinate like crazy. I also hate dealing with details when it comes to work, but not when I’m doing something like researching orcas. Just ask Amy about the time I had to look at our budget – it took an extreme amount of mental effort for me to focus on it. And yet, I can make a list of robot names with no effort at all.

Meditation didn’t work for me, man. It needs way too much focus and I just can’t do it. Others have told me it helps, though.

We (your mother and I) had money problems because we spent more than we earned, and I didn’t even know what that meant. We also didn’t talk about money, which made things worse. When I had my business, I had to keep the books, and I knew exactly how much money we had. But when I gave that up and started working full-time, I let your mom track the expenses, and she didn’t want to do it. I was working two jobs at the time and didn’t have time to focus on our finances. I thought we were doing okay because I was working so much, but we weren’t.

She led me to believe she was on top of our finances.  When I found out she wasn’t she told me if I wanted to I could requested that I take care of the finances. I explained to her that I was unable to do so due to my workload. I was employed at two jobs and am responsible for all of the yard work, auto repairs and maintenance, as well as any computer issues that arise. This was the case even when her mother was not working. The situation escalated to the point where she began hiding bills from me, a practice that her mother also engaged in. Ultimately, this led to the loss of our house.

Apologies, I did not intend to monopolize the conversation. I was simply responding to your comments.

“We have more thoughts than we have time to do.”  That is me almost every day.

BTW, I watched the entire TEDx Talk, and I believe the abridged version doesn’t do it justice. Having watched the full talk, I can see myself in all of it, and I can see each of you as well. All I am saying and why I shard it was because it resonates with me, I thought it might with you.  In fact, I didn’t take the video as invalidating people with ADHD on the contrary it affirmed to me that there is a struggle for people with ADHD because the way society and institutions work against their unique brains.  I struggle with it every day. I am an outlier if you haven’t noticed.  It is import for me to state I am not attempting to make light of your struggles.  I am saying I get it the struggle is real and I know you have a hard time with it and that it is debilitating. I have a hard time with it and I know you have a harder time with it. Add PTSD onto that and being trans, shit that is a lot to deal with.  

I really wish I had a magic wand to make it all better or to make the world more accepting.

Changing Lanes. I want to make it clear that I’m not blaming your mother for our financial situation or putting her down. That is not my intent.

I would say that her entire family, with the exception of Uncle John, struggled with depression. When she lost her job, she must have felt very depressed and maybe even helpless. I felt helpless in that area as well, which added to my own feelings of helplessness. She wasn’t being malicious; hiding bills was her way of coping through avoidance.  I am not sure that is an ADHD thing as much as a depression thing.

Philip’s Replies: (updates)

Oh see I’m the opposite once I start I’m good to go, it’s the starting that’s hard.

It’s like trying to run up one of those really tall hills by evergreen terrace, it takes way longer than you thought, it’s was harder than you thought, and it’s so much taller than you anticipated, but then once you get to the top it’s a total breeze going down, and it’s super fast.

That’s how it is inside my brain- Its so hard to start, to get the idea and find the motivation, but when I finally DO start something I can power through it.

Oh & if I take a break before it’s done? I will probably never finish. I have hella half done projects laying around.

Me too. (to my comment: I really wish I had a magic wand to make it all better or to make the world more accepting.)